So many memories. Some heartbreaking. Some sweet and comforting. All of them precious and worth remembering.
Some people might think that this day would find me revisiting a place of deep despair or attempting to avoid the memories altogether. However, they would probably be surprised to hear that when I look back what I really want to do is rejoice.
Last week a dear friend emailed me to say that she and her husband were thinking about us and praying for us. It meant so much to know that other people were thinking about her too. My sister-in-law, Maggie, also emailed us a couple of times on Julia’s birthday and even included a picture of my two nephews getting ready to send their balloons with Happy Birthday messages to their cousin in heaven. God has been blessing us these days through loved ones whose prayers, notes, flowers, phone calls and other small gestures communicate love and understanding to someone who could use an extra dose on a given day.
I wrote my friend back and then I replied to Maggie’s email. As I typed, I decided to include some of the message I sent to my friend because it certainly applied in both cases. I’d also been contemplating a return to my blog recently, so when Maggie emailed me back and gave me “a little nudge” to use this on my blog, I thought, “Yeah, she’s right. This would be a good place to start.” (Thanks, Mags!)
Maggie,
Thank you so much for letting us know that you've been thinking about us and
Julia. I didn't get the first note, but Tim showed it to me on his phone. Happy, thankful tears. Then I saw this one with the picture of the boys. More happy, thankful tears. It really does mean the world to us to know that people (especially family) remember her and love and care about her, and also realize that we still need a little support and reassurance once in a while. Like I told Grace yesterday...
It's amazing to me how God has been so gracious to us as we walk this
journey that will be ours for this lifetime. I actually look forward to her
birthday and the six days that follow. They are her special days and ours
too. She has had such a powerful, yet gentle role in God's plan for us. He
allowed our baby girl to be the one to lead us to such a beautiful place
with Jesus. His faithfulness is truly great. I cannot even fathom how He
has provided such comfort, grace, and strength that has so gently and
gradually washed away the burdens of sorrow, anger, and bitterness I feared
would swallow me up and then replaced them with a peace that surpasses
understanding, a joy unspeakable, and a thankful heart that truly desires
Him and His purposes for the first time in my life. In short, He's done
something in me and for me that I was incapable of doing myself, and in
doing so He revealed himself to me in such a way that "I know that I know
that I know" He is my God and He is my portion.
Of course, not everything about her life seemed "picture perfect," but who gets that anyway? At the same time, there were a lot of beautiful and poignant moments too, some that I did not completely realize or appreciate at the time because I was hurting so much, but now looking back they seem like God's fingerprints. Over the last four years He has eased a great deal of the pain, but in His wisdom He has left me with just enough to remind me of where I was on April 27, 2006 and where He has brought me to as of April 27, 2010. The pain that does linger when I think about certain moments at the NICU or the things that I would be doing on her 4th birthday now coexists with an indescribable and abundant sense of joy, peace, and thankfulness. All of this only serves to deepen my conviction that God did something really special during those six days, and that He's been really busy ever since. If for no other reason, THAT's cause for joyful remembrance and celebration!
Love you!
Stephany
So on that note, I choose to celebrate and praise Him for giving me a new song. I hope you’ll join me! Just scroll down to my playlist and listen to Psalm 40. It’s song #100… and yes, I know my blog is heavy on music and light on posts! I’m working on it! :o)
Love you too!
Stephany
Psalm 40 (NIV)
2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
3 He put a new song in my mouth,
Psalm 40 by Newsong
