Three Years Later...

These days there are very few television shows that my husband and I watch with any regularity, much less every week. However, we have been fans of LOST since it began in the fall of 2004. For those of you who are unfamiliar with LOST and have been missing out on all of the adventure and intrigue, it tells the story of a group of people who have survived a plane crash on what turns out to be a very mysterious island in the South Pacific. Ultimately, the story is a very deep one that explores complicated topics such as fate, purpose, perspective, choices, and truth as it examines the lives of each character.

Initially, LOST seems to be about a group of survivors who are merely lost on a deserted island, but the story is as much about their personal lives as it is about their present location. Each episode gives the viewer glimpses into the past, present, and even the future of a given character. This provides an opportunity for the viewer to gain a greater understanding of not only how all of the events in a character's life are connected to each other, but also how they are related to the other characters as well as the island itself. In an effort to help viewers follow the sequence of events, the producers of the show occasionally insert titles such as "One Week Ago" or "Three Years Later."

Well, today's post strikes me as needing some of those reference points. You see, today is my "Three Years Later." Unlike others I know who started their blogs immediately after the death of their children, I am starting my blog “Three Years Later” which I’m sure will necessitate occasional flashbacks. I am most definitely NOT the same person I was "Three Years Ago" when I suddenly realized that I had just crash-landed on to my own deserted island. Today I look back on that day when I felt more lost and desperate than ever before and I am truly astounded at the path that winds its way between these two days only "Three Years Apart."

April 21, 2006 is my daughter's birthday and it is also my turning point. It always will be. It was the day I was changed forever when I finally looked into the eyes of my own child for the very first time here on this earth, and once again when some 45 minutes later my doctor walked up to the side of my bed with tears filling her eyes and spilling down her cheeks as she took my hands in hers. Both of these moments took my breath away. Both moments brought countless tears. Both moments are forever engraved in my memory and on my heart.

That day was my turning point. And today is "Three Years Later." So much has happened on this path between the two. In some ways nothing has changed, and in other ways everything has. Our daughter is still gone. We still miss her deeply. We still struggle with infertility. We still dream, hope, and pray that there will be more children in our future. But at the same time we have more joy, peace, gratitude, contentment, and expectation in our hearts and lives than we ever did before. Before you ask... Yes, I am fully aware that this makes absolutely no sense! And my awareness of this point just may be 'the number-one reason' why I know it's true and that I'm not delusional!

Keep in mind that this is me talking to you "Three Years Later." I wanted to believe all of this was possible back then. I NEEDED desperately to believe all of this was possible back then. But the best that I could do back then was hold fast to what I had heard others speak of all my life. I had no real personal experience of my own, but even then in my bleary-eyed state I think I realized that this was where I was finally going to find out the whole truth for myself.

Along the way I discovered there are different parts that make up the whole truth. The difficult part of the truth is no one ever arrives at this point on the path without first experiencing their own turning point. And that takes time. A lot of it. And when you do get to this point you realize that although you've made it this far, there is still a long way to go, because there really is no end to this path this side of Heaven. The most recent evidence of this bitter part of the truth is the tears I have shed as I write this post.

But along with the bitter comes the sweet part of the truth. And the bitter eventually makes the sweet even sweeter still, for I know that one day the bitterness that does still linger will give way to the sweetness once and for all as I finally look into the eyes of my own child for the very first time on the other side of Heaven. “Three Years Ago” I honestly struggled to find the kind of comfort I needed in this sweet truth that truly satisfied the never-ending pain that flowed from the gaping wound in my heart. It was just too soon, and the bitterness was just too strong for the sweetness. I was a mother who just naturally wanted my little girl with me. The fragile, tender feelings in my heart could not catch up to the knowledge stored away in my head gathering dust and cobwebs all those years. “Three Years Later” the gap between the two is closing little-by-little.

At the end of the day, I have found that I am like those stranded survivors on LOST whose lives were changed in an instant. In truth, we all are. Maybe you’re facing your own turning point right now. Or maybe it still awaits you further down your path. You undoubtedly have some fears about what it will be, how bad things might get, and how long it will last. I know I always did. But once you finally recognize and face your turning point, the real questions I think we all have to ask ourselves are: What do I want “Three Years Later” to look like? AND How do I need to respond to this turning point to help make this happen?

Stephany