Heaven Day

Today is Julia’s Heaven Day.

So many memories. Some heartbreaking. Some sweet and comforting. All of them precious and worth remembering.

Some people might think that this day would find me revisiting a place of deep despair or attempting to avoid the memories altogether. However, they would probably be surprised to hear that when I look back what I really want to do is rejoice.

Last week a dear friend emailed me to say that she and her husband were thinking about us and praying for us. It meant so much to know that other people were thinking about her too. My sister-in-law, Maggie, also emailed us a couple of times on Julia’s birthday and even included a picture of my two nephews getting ready to send their balloons with Happy Birthday messages to their cousin in heaven. God has been blessing us these days through loved ones whose prayers, notes, flowers, phone calls and other small gestures communicate love and understanding to someone who could use an extra dose on a given day.

I wrote my friend back and then I replied to Maggie’s email. As I typed, I decided to include some of the message I sent to my friend because it certainly applied in both cases. I’d also been contemplating a return to my blog recently, so when Maggie emailed me back and gave me “a little nudge” to use this on my blog, I thought, “Yeah, she’s right. This would be a good place to start.” (Thanks, Mags!)

Maggie,

Thank you so much for letting us know that you've been thinking about us and
Julia. I didn't get the first note, but Tim showed it to me on his phone. Happy, thankful tears. Then I saw this one with the picture of the boys. More happy, thankful tears. It really does mean the world to us to know that people (especially family) remember her and love and care about her, and also realize that we still need a little support and reassurance once in a while. Like I told Grace yesterday...

It's amazing to me how God has been so gracious to us as we walk this
journey that will be ours for this lifetime. I actually look forward to her
birthday and the six days that follow. They are her special days and ours
too. She has had such a powerful, yet gentle role in God's plan for us. He
allowed our baby girl to be the one to lead us to such a beautiful place
with Jesus. His faithfulness is truly great. I cannot even fathom how He
has provided such comfort, grace, and strength that has so gently and
gradually washed away the burdens of sorrow, anger, and bitterness I feared
would swallow me up and then replaced them with a peace that surpasses
understanding, a joy unspeakable, and a thankful heart that truly desires
Him and His purposes for the first time in my life. In short, He's done
something in me and for me that I was incapable of doing myself, and in
doing so He revealed himself to me in such a way that "I know that I know
that I know" He is my God and He is my portion.

Of course, not everything about her life seemed "picture perfect," but who gets that anyway? At the same time, there were a lot of beautiful and poignant moments too, some that I did not completely realize or appreciate at the time because I was hurting so much, but now looking back they seem like God's fingerprints. Over the last four years He has eased a great deal of the pain, but in His wisdom He has left me with just enough to remind me of where I was on April 27, 2006 and where He has brought me to as of April 27, 2010. The pain that does linger when I think about certain moments at the NICU or the things that I would be doing on her 4th birthday now coexists with an indescribable and abundant sense of joy, peace, and thankfulness. All of this only serves to deepen my conviction that God did something really special during those six days, and that He's been really busy ever since. If for no other reason, THAT's cause for joyful remembrance and celebration!

Love you!
Stephany


So on that note, I choose to celebrate and praise Him for giving me a new song. I hope you’ll join me! Just scroll down to my playlist and listen to Psalm 40. It’s song #100… and yes, I know my blog is heavy on music and light on posts! I’m working on it! :o)

Love you too!
Stephany

Psalm 40 (NIV)

1 I waited patiently for the LORD;

He turned to me and heard my cry.

2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,

out of the mud and mire;

He set my feet on a rock

and gave me a firm place to stand.

3 He put a new song in my mouth,

a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear

and put their trust in the LORD.

Psalm 40 by Newsong

I will wait for You O Lord

Because You have filled my heart with joy

You lift me higher and higher

You're my one and only desire

You put a new song in my mouth

A hymn of praise to You

All I wanna do when I wake up

Is spend my day with You

You put a new song in my mouth

A hymn of praise to You

You put my feet on the Rock Lord

I put my trust in You

Sing a new song

Sing a new song

I will wait for You O Lord

I will wait for You O Lord

I will wait for You O Lord

I will wait for You O Lord

Cause You have filled my heart with joy

You lift me higher and higher

You're my one and only desire

Many will see You and fear You Lord

Put their trust in You

Many will see You and fear You Lord

Put their trust in You

Sing a new song

Sing a new song

Sing a new song

Sing a new song

I will wait

I will wait for You

Reflections on Mother's Day (Part 1)

For at least 10 years now, I have wrestled with my feelings about this particular holiday. While it will always be a special opportunity to honor my own mother, grandmother, and all of the other special women in my life, it also has become a day that pierces my heart every time it comes around. Any of you who have experienced infertility, lost a child, or both, know exactly what I mean. The longing for a child you may never have or the longing for the child you once had runs so deeply through our hearts. And for those of us who haven’t experienced these things, the mere thought of these possibilities in our own lives causes our hearts to be gripped by a fear that can be so terrifying we immediately bury the thoughts by replacing them with other distractions that are more pleasant or at least allow us to function normally.

For me, my first official Mother’s Day came just 3 weeks after Julia’s birth and only 2 short weeks after her death. And all of this was preceded by 12 years of praying, hoping, and longing. It was a lot to take in, and even more to process. I felt so completely overwhelmed by the suddenness and the shock of it all. The confusion and the utter disbelief. The deep sense of loss and the unrelenting grief. And the fear… oh, the fear. Even though my worst fears had already been fully realized, I found that I was rapidly being consumed by a new set of related fears.

This new fear centered around the feeling that between Julia’s absence and other people’s well-intentioned concern for me that it would become easier for everyone to “move on” in such a way as if Julia had never been present in the first place. Of course, no one would ever consciously think something like that, much less actually suggest such a thing to a little girl’s grieving mother. Nevertheless, death makes us uncomfortable. And somewhere along the line, many of us have picked up on the following two theories:

The best way for us to help someone who is grieving is to help them get back to “normal” as quickly as possible.

And the best way for us to handle our own grief is to push any noticeable aspects of it aside after the funeral is over so as not to be too demonstrative and make others uncomfortable.

I was already beginning to see signs of this approach in a few people around me. Some were reluctant to mention her name and would avoid talking about her. Some focused on my own physical recovery from my emergency c-section and the fluid retention that resulted from sitting day and night by my daughter’s bedside in the NICU. On the other hand, there were a few who even seemed to think that I would go back to work the next week, although my doctor certainly did not seem to think that my physical recovery from childbirth or the emergency (read: surgery) c-section had been shortened simply because my daughter did not come home with me.

At any rate, however well-intentioned, these attempts to help take my mind off my loss and place my focus on my physical health and getting back to “normal life” did little to make any of that happen. In fact, just the opposite. The last thing in the world that I wanted was for anyone to forget Julia or avoid talking about her because they were afraid of upsetting me. I had quickly realized how much better I felt when people would talk to me about her, ask to see her pictures, and call her by name. Of course, there were many times when it would bring tears to my eyes, but what many people never realized was that the tears came with or without their presence or our conversations. And there were many times that the tears actually came later in private because I knew people had avoided talking about her or my loss and my grief. While I knew that everyone wanted to make my pain go away, it became very clear to me that it hurt more to avoid the subject than to meet it head-on.

As my first Mother’s Day approached I could sense that my family was unsure as to how to handle the situation. Should they acknowledge Mother’s Day for me or should they avoid the whole thing? With this feeling of awkwardness on my mind, my newly developing fears initially came out in the form of a question to my sister-in-law, Maggie…

Am I still a mother?

There was no longer a living, breathing child in front of all of us to love, hold, and care for, so there was no one present to define me as a mother. As painful as this thought was, it actually led to another that truly lay at the heart of the matter. And this one wounded me so deeply I knew I could not bear to allow it to become a reality.

If my motherhood does depend on Julia’s presence here, does the value and impact of her life depend on it too?

So it was on Mother’s Day that I realized on some level that my motherhood was more about her existence, her life, her value in God’s plan, and her impact on myself and others than it was about my own status as a mother.

Over the next few months, I had thoughts of my own and conversations with others when one of us would express our confusion over God’s plan in all of this. Why would He give us a child after 12 long years of infertility only to take her from us after 6 short days? Wouldn’t it have been more compassionate to just leave us alone in the first place? Why give us this never-ending heartbreak?

But no sooner would that thought cross my mind or ring in my ears that I would shudder to think about wishing Julia away just so I could save myself the heartbreak. And how could I possibly trade away all of the wonderful and amazing moments that she brought to me through 9 months of pregnancy and 6 days of getting to hold and love on my little girl? Every one of those moments is a joy and a treasure that I will carry with me every day for the rest of my life and I would not trade any one of them for all of the riches in the world.

And what about that day I so look forward to when she and I will be reunited in the most perfect and glorious place of all with the One who gave us this precious gift? Would I ever give that up? You already know the answer to that.

So the question then became…

If I wasn’t going to give up the joy of having Julia, how was I going to cope with the grief of losing her (temporarily)? (See some hints below…)

More to come…

Stephany

********************************

Luke 1:30-31, 38 ~ (30) But the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary, you have found favor with God.” (31) You will be with child and give birth to a son, and you are to give Him the name Jesus.” (38) “I am the Lord’s servant,” Mary answered . “May it be to me as you have said.”

Luke 1:45 ~ “Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished!”

Luke 2:19 ~ But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.

Luke 2:34-35 ~ Then Simeon blessed them and said to Mary, His mother: “This child is destined to cause the falling and rising of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be spoken against, (35) so that the thoughts of many hearts will be revealed. And a sword will pierce your own soul too.”

John 19:25a ~ Near the cross of Jesus stood His mother,…

********************************

Hebrews 11:13-16 ~ All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. (14) People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. (15) If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. (16) Instead, they were longing for a better country – a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for He has prepared a city for them.

Hebrews 12:1-3 ~ Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. (2) Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. (3) Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 ~ Therefore, we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. (17) For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. (18) So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Three Years Later...

These days there are very few television shows that my husband and I watch with any regularity, much less every week. However, we have been fans of LOST since it began in the fall of 2004. For those of you who are unfamiliar with LOST and have been missing out on all of the adventure and intrigue, it tells the story of a group of people who have survived a plane crash on what turns out to be a very mysterious island in the South Pacific. Ultimately, the story is a very deep one that explores complicated topics such as fate, purpose, perspective, choices, and truth as it examines the lives of each character.

Initially, LOST seems to be about a group of survivors who are merely lost on a deserted island, but the story is as much about their personal lives as it is about their present location. Each episode gives the viewer glimpses into the past, present, and even the future of a given character. This provides an opportunity for the viewer to gain a greater understanding of not only how all of the events in a character's life are connected to each other, but also how they are related to the other characters as well as the island itself. In an effort to help viewers follow the sequence of events, the producers of the show occasionally insert titles such as "One Week Ago" or "Three Years Later."

Well, today's post strikes me as needing some of those reference points. You see, today is my "Three Years Later." Unlike others I know who started their blogs immediately after the death of their children, I am starting my blog “Three Years Later” which I’m sure will necessitate occasional flashbacks. I am most definitely NOT the same person I was "Three Years Ago" when I suddenly realized that I had just crash-landed on to my own deserted island. Today I look back on that day when I felt more lost and desperate than ever before and I am truly astounded at the path that winds its way between these two days only "Three Years Apart."

April 21, 2006 is my daughter's birthday and it is also my turning point. It always will be. It was the day I was changed forever when I finally looked into the eyes of my own child for the very first time here on this earth, and once again when some 45 minutes later my doctor walked up to the side of my bed with tears filling her eyes and spilling down her cheeks as she took my hands in hers. Both of these moments took my breath away. Both moments brought countless tears. Both moments are forever engraved in my memory and on my heart.

That day was my turning point. And today is "Three Years Later." So much has happened on this path between the two. In some ways nothing has changed, and in other ways everything has. Our daughter is still gone. We still miss her deeply. We still struggle with infertility. We still dream, hope, and pray that there will be more children in our future. But at the same time we have more joy, peace, gratitude, contentment, and expectation in our hearts and lives than we ever did before. Before you ask... Yes, I am fully aware that this makes absolutely no sense! And my awareness of this point just may be 'the number-one reason' why I know it's true and that I'm not delusional!

Keep in mind that this is me talking to you "Three Years Later." I wanted to believe all of this was possible back then. I NEEDED desperately to believe all of this was possible back then. But the best that I could do back then was hold fast to what I had heard others speak of all my life. I had no real personal experience of my own, but even then in my bleary-eyed state I think I realized that this was where I was finally going to find out the whole truth for myself.

Along the way I discovered there are different parts that make up the whole truth. The difficult part of the truth is no one ever arrives at this point on the path without first experiencing their own turning point. And that takes time. A lot of it. And when you do get to this point you realize that although you've made it this far, there is still a long way to go, because there really is no end to this path this side of Heaven. The most recent evidence of this bitter part of the truth is the tears I have shed as I write this post.

But along with the bitter comes the sweet part of the truth. And the bitter eventually makes the sweet even sweeter still, for I know that one day the bitterness that does still linger will give way to the sweetness once and for all as I finally look into the eyes of my own child for the very first time on the other side of Heaven. “Three Years Ago” I honestly struggled to find the kind of comfort I needed in this sweet truth that truly satisfied the never-ending pain that flowed from the gaping wound in my heart. It was just too soon, and the bitterness was just too strong for the sweetness. I was a mother who just naturally wanted my little girl with me. The fragile, tender feelings in my heart could not catch up to the knowledge stored away in my head gathering dust and cobwebs all those years. “Three Years Later” the gap between the two is closing little-by-little.

At the end of the day, I have found that I am like those stranded survivors on LOST whose lives were changed in an instant. In truth, we all are. Maybe you’re facing your own turning point right now. Or maybe it still awaits you further down your path. You undoubtedly have some fears about what it will be, how bad things might get, and how long it will last. I know I always did. But once you finally recognize and face your turning point, the real questions I think we all have to ask ourselves are: What do I want “Three Years Later” to look like? AND How do I need to respond to this turning point to help make this happen?

Stephany